Estranged - Deranges - Dangers - Angered - Granted

On my way home from a Hasidic wedding this evening, I hit upon a word which transmits pretty much how I have been feeling for a week or two - estranged. Of course, I tried to rearrange its letters into another word, but failed to come up with anything which used all the letters. Deranges came the closest, along with its anagram, grandees. Dangers and angered didn't do badly.

I found it interesting that estranged contains so many negative words - of course, in my mood, I would be more likely to find them.

The day before yesterday I found a list my mother made when we were waiting for admission to a popular gallery show in England ten years ago or so - words that can be made from the letters in apocalypse. (Hmm, I wonder if she found calypso. Probably - she found polyp!) I miss her, for many reasons, although sad to say, she wasn't actually a very good parent. But paradoxically, no-one could make me feel as valued, as needed, as special, as worthy of love as she did. It's a basic human need to feel well and truly loved, appreciated, valued. I'd give a lot for my mother's arms around me right now.

Flowers and Happiness

Sweet Twinerik brought me these flowers Saturday night - it was such a wonderful treat! The colors are amazing - bright lime mumlets, intense pink giganto mum in the center, and a variety of cerises, wines, and lemons - devastatingly beautiful. Who would have thought bright lime flowers would be so satisfying? And the central deep pink mum against the scattered dark wine red blossoms - wow. I love just sitting and drinking in all the color. It is mesmerizing.

Oh, those old-time autograph albums!

Among the many things I collect are vintage autograph albums, primarily from the mid to the late 1800s, with a smattering dated through the 1920s.

They had a version of this when I was in elementary and middle school - I think they called them "bash" books - such a charmingly euphonious name, don't you think? - and each page had a heading in which the invited people wrote their comments. To say that the contemporary version seemed rather crude and mean-spirited beside the lofty corniness of the vintage books would be an understatement. The ones I saw singled out those poor kids who weren't "in" with the "In Crowd" and made fun of them. I have never run across a mean-spirited comment in my vintage autograph books.

The older books are fascinating - each person wrote a little verse, usually not original, and signed it with aspirations to ever-lasting friendship. Some people drew designs and pictures, some even painted water colors of some skill. All the messages were encouragements to good behaviour, with the exception of a few which encouraged the young woman whose book was being written in to pick a good husband.

I include here a typical verse with a clever twist of which some writers were fond. Remember, most of the writers and artists were high-school age, just setting out in the world. I was reminded of this amusing effort recently when I saw another, very similar version, pictured in a book I was browsing through.

B hopeful, B happy, B cheerful, B kind
B busy of body, B modest of mind
B earnest, B truthful, B firm, and B fair
Of all misBhaviour B sure and Bware
Bthink ere you stumble for what might Bfall
B true to yourself and B faithful to all
B Brave to Bware of sins that may Bset
B sure that no sin will another Bget
B watchful, B ready, B open, B frank,
B polite to all whatever their rank
B just and B generous, B honest, B wise,
B mindful of time and B certain it flies!
B prudent, B liberal, of order B fond,
Buy what you need Bfore Buying Beyond
B prompt and B dutiful- and please B polite
B grateful, B cautious of those who Btray,
And truly Bloved then Thou shalt B
By all you Bfriend and always By Me!

Autumn's Fire, Winter's Doldrums!

I'd like Autumn more if Winter didn't slip through the door at the end, riding on its coattails.

I love the idea of celebrating the Seasons, and savoring their individual joys, symbols, and attributes, but I have a tough time with winter because it's COLD out there!

If it's cold with tons of snow everywhere, great. If it's cold with the glittering remnants of an icestorm transforming the landscape into faerie magic, great. But if it is just runny-nose, teeth-grindingly cold all the time, my spirits take a bit of a beating. (Of course, the fact that I don't have central heating doesn't help the matter much, but that's a different story.) Here it comes - my innate positivity pushing to the surface, irritating me by reminding me how wonderful it is to walk in winter woods. You really see the structure of the trees, the branches, and the majesty of the boulders in places like the Sourlands and the Witherspoon Woods. My heart is beating a little faster in anticipation.

But for now, I will revel in autumn's colors festooning the landscape, and perhaps press a leaf or two in my journal for remembrance.

Last year, I took leaves from my red Japanese maple and ironed them between two sheets of wax paper, which cooperated by melting together and trapping the leaves inside. It hangs in one of my windows. I also took some wrapping paper with what looked like a Victorian Aesthetic period pattern on it, and with some more red maple leaves and a few sprinkles of tasteful gold confetti, made a book cover for one of the journals I sell at a local gallery during the holidays.

I am trying to think of a craft I can do for Thanksgiving with one of my dearest friends ever, who is, alas, despite her many perfections of character and intellect, craft-resistant. I will post the results if I am successful.

Happiness

Happiness is ephemeral, of course, but it does seem there are ways to make oneself happier. No, not taking a bubble bath! (There was a time when in every article about dieting in a woman's magazine, the bright idea would be promulgated to "find another way to treat yourself when you are feeling tired or low - indulge in a luxurious bubblebath instead of eating that ice-cream." Yeah, right! Hand me the spoon, please.)

Evidently, the act of smiling gives one a sense of well-being. I have tried this, and by crackey, it works! I felt my whole body relaxing and my spirits inch upward. Now, it can be difficult to smile when one is really, really depressed, but it will help.

I find smiling at people on the street makes me feel good too. I like radiating good will toward people, and often they will respond by smiling back, and I feel that although the world seems like a grim place, there is satisfaction in making someone else's day even a fraction better with a friendly smile. Then, too, it creates a sense of connection with another human, and connecting with people is one of the big things that contributes to happiness in life.

I haven't tried this yet - I just read about it. But smiling at oneself in a mirror is supposed to be good for the spirits and outllook. I guess it is like seeing one's inner self smiling and saying, "Come on, I like you, we'll get through this together."

Doing something nice for someone else definitely contributes to happiness, because it increases one's sense of worth as a human being.

Sing out loud. Studies actually show this increases happiness.

Listen to music you love - "music hath charms to soothe the savage breast," or something to that effect. (Slight digression - more people think this quote goes "savage beast" than "savage breast," which does bring up visions of marauding nipples. But it is indeed "breast.") The quote seems to originally come from William Congreve, in The mourning bride, 1697:

Musick has Charms to sooth a savage Breast,
To soften Rocks, or bend a knotted Oak.
I've read, that things inanimate have mov'd,
And, as with living Souls, have been inform'd,
By Magick Numbers and persuasive Sound.
What then am I? Am I more senseless grown
Than Trees, or Flint? O force of constant Woe!
'Tis not in Harmony to calm my Griefs.

See above right in side column for a portrait of Congreve.

Move to music, otherwise known as dancing.

Hang out only with positive friends, not those who will agree with or encourage your negative outlook on life or a particular problem. A friend can acknowledge your feelings without egging you on or adding their own negativity! Negative energy is a killer.

Go outside and get some sun, and then get some more. Sunlight and a sparkling day are truly mood boosters.

Wear something that makes you feel attractive, NOT your standard "I'm depressed" outfit.

Okay, corny but helpful: write down (this is not a mental exercise, get your pen or pencil out) the good things in your life and read the list regularly, at least once a week.

While you've got your pen or pencil out, write down an important goal, including the steps you must take to achieve it. Place this somewhere you will look at it every day. It will help motivate you and keep you on track.

Think hard: what things make you happy? Think back and try to connect to happy memories. Make a list of things that bring you happiness, and then schedule them into your life. This is so much harder than you would think, but extremely worthwhile.

There are other things, but I'm bushed right now. Besides, that is plenty to get started with!

More color

I remember reading about the gardening predilections of the famed Vita Sackville-West. Her husband complained that she liked green, weird flowers. I have seen a few green flowers in my lifetime - my Helleborus Foetidus has sprays of small green cuplike blooms - and I have never particularly liked them. But I have a bouquet of flowers in my living room that features pale green chrysanthemums and purple liatris, a truly unlikely pairing, and I love looking at it! I know I could stand to be more adventurous about color. I like wearing a pink blouse with a pink skirt. Someone more daring would wear a turquoise blouse with a pink skirt. Maybe flowers are the place to start!

Gray

Everything seems gray to me right now. Not black; that communicates a different feeling altogether. For me, although there are many grays I like a great deal, and I have gray clothing I love, and I definitely do not discriminate on the basis of grayness, gray is the color of despair, disappointment, exhausted hopes, misery, and unexpressed anger.

Interesting the different things colors communicate. Pantone, a printing ink company, employs scientists to research what different colors mean to us and what reactions, emotions, and responses they elicit from us. They say that turquoise is associated with healing, for example. Could be - never really thought about it. Thinking about turquoise does, however, give me a sense of well-being.

You would think black would be despair - and maybe it is, but a different kind. It is the death of hope, the death of expectation, the death of maybe next time . . . It is despair in a locked room in which one is trapped. With gray, it is true one is wrapped in it as by a shroud, but should I miraculously muster the energy and find some scissors or just a nail to snag it on and hold it while I rotate it off, I can escape. It soesn't seem likely, and the mere thought of the energy necessary to act makes me want to take a nap, but with gray, not all the doors are locked. There is still life.