Happy New Year!

Well, it's official - it is January 1, 2012.  Where was I a year ago?  I think I was pretty happy, happier than I had been in years, as a matter of fact: exploring woods and brooks, preparing for a ballroom showcase with rediscovered friends, doing artwork, hanging out with my cats and my buds.  I certainly had no idea last January 1st that in six weeks the consequences of one simple decision would begin to transform my life.  What lies in store this year?  I am better off not knowing; we all are.  Any happiness we might feel about a positive development we foresee inevitably will be blemished by the knowledge of a difficult event following close on its heels.  For myself, I will be satisfied if I continue to grow as a person and grow in faith, understanding, and dedication.  But willy-nilly, I will have to be satisfied no matter what.  Man proposes, G-d disposes, and He knows best.

Happy New Year's, or Happy New Year?

I spoke to a dear friend of mine on the phone today.  She is away from home, up North somewhere, due to circumstances beyond her control.  The subject of New Year's Eve celebrations inexorably came up.  I look forward to New Year's Eve and Valentine's Day with greatly modulated enthusiasm, even when I am dating someone, but especially when I am not.  (I admit, one of my baser thoughts when I am dating someone and it seems to be going well is "Oh goody!  I have a date for New Year's Eve!")  There is something about the pressure to go out and have a hysterically good time that defeats me before I even begin.  However this year is perhaps more debilitating than years past because I am dating someone wonderful - who is going to be in Florida for New Year's.  In case you haven't guessed, I won't be. 

I started feeling a tad desolate about it, until I had a revelation.  Now, my revelations are not newsworthy.  They are more along the lines of things other people have known practically since birth, so don't get your hopes up. You are not about to learn the meaning of life.  (This always makes me think of Jeannette McDonald in "Naughty Marietta," singing "Ah, sweet mystery of life at last I've found you . . ." to a palpably uncomfortable Nelson Eddy as he is taken away by the authorities, presumably to his death.  The mystery of life is love, in case you hadn't caught on.)

Anyhow, back to my revelation.  It isn't New Year's Eve, the holiday, that matters - it is the New Year itself that matters, all 365+ days of it, and there I have much to celebrate.  I have a great guy, I have great friends, I have a tiny but close family, I have a decrepitating but conveniently located house in Princeton, I have interests, and I have the two most lovable cats in the universe, even if they do need insulin shots every 12 hours so I can never go anywhere, and in addition, ineffable joy and fulfillment await me as the year ripens.  So perhaps my New Year's Eve won't make the Style section of the New York Times, but thank G-d, my New Year should be filled with blessings, admittedly accompanied by  the inevitable slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.

Whew! A lot of downer posts lately . . .

I found this vintage post card, on which the sender wrote, with modest wit, "I've been having my ups and downs."

I guess that could apply to me, looking back over the last several posts.  You'd never know how many wonderful, happy days I have had, how much enjoyment, how much pleasure, how much downright fun, probably because I'm too busy those days to write, and also because I am not including details about my life for the sake of privacy, and happiness is sappier conveyed without particulars.

Was it Tolstoy who wrote something along the lines of all happy families are the same, but unhappy families are unhappy in their own distinctive ways?  My ways of being unhappy aren't that distinctive:  a lot of concern about the physical condition of my house, finding the time and the right people at the right price to fix things, and dealing with work people effectively are right up there.

But in the big picture, the manayama rather than the hinayama point of view (I still remember my art history from decades and decades ago), my cup runneth over - coysee revaiyah.

I've quoted "music hath charms to soothe the savage breast" before, but for me, writing down the miserable, small, petty feelings I have when I am down can be quite cathartic as well.  Most of the time I remove the post, often I take out any specifics, and rarely, and usually inadvisedly, I leave it up.  So if the taste of my blog has been a bit bitter lately, please know that in real life, there is plenty of honey to sweeten my days (and nights).  And I'll try to stop kvetching!

Hanging in there

Collage memories; collage kvetches

I found this collage from the past yesterday by chance.  It is pretty - not brilliant, not innovative, not great art (those two words should be uttered with a breathless awe) - but pretty, so I thought I would post it.

I haven't been doing much collage lately.  I haven't been doing much of anything except what has become the usual, which is why I am particularly off my game today.

I defnintely want to make more things, create more cards, get my stuff out there -sound familiar?

Well, I'm tired and disheartened.  On top of everything else, my little bunny rabbit cat Tortellini isn't well.  Just got back from the vet, who couldn't really find anything, but Tortel definitely isn't right.

Life, life.  Right now I wish I could curl up under my bed and not wake up for a couple of weeks (assuming Orange Boy and Tortellini would curl up with me and have their food, water, and litter taken care of by a Fairy Feline Mother).

I have to do more to follow the sage advice of the Bratzlaver (Breslauer) Rebbe:  Do all manner of things to make yourself joyful.  I just need some time to figure out what they may be, and I'm so busy every night with Chir's things that I never have enough time to recharge my energy and get in touch with what I would like!  (And usually, whatever comes up that I would like to do falls on a night where I feel I MUST do the set thing.)  Kvetch, kvetch, kvetch.  Let me close by thanking G-d for all his mercies.  I may have concerns, but I am blessed, and conscious of that fact.

Dive into pleasure

I did this collage years and years and years ago.  Yesterday morning I was feeling filled with happiness and optimism, so when I came across it by chance, I decided I would post it, along with some cheery drivel about going for it when one has a chance at felicity.  The day turned much less felicitous not too long after I cropped it, but I thought I would post it despite my concerns, hurt, fear, etc., as a reminder to myself that things will be better, worse, better, worse forever and ever and ever, amen.  So when the good times come, open yourself to them; and when the bad times come, count your blessings and anticipate the return of contentment.